But you’re bringing me down.
You're thieving all my joy being no comparison for LA.
There's no coziness, centrality, cohesion to this place and I am clinging to you for the comfort. 
I'm releasing you to get my joy back. 

But keeping with me some strong learnings that are simply safer, more liberating ways of doing things than just about anywhere - not to compare =]

And that rings true for particularly one subculture.
You guessed it, the sex scene. 

To explain this properly, I need to back up a little:
A conversation that keeps making its way to me is about LA being primarily a city of coupled people. Although research would show by way of articles written in complaints of singledom, the word on the street is that everyone is coupled (I have yet to receive one disagreement). What I haven't an exact reason for is why it is so coupled but my educated guess would be having to do with more traditional values from the heavily religious past of LA, settlers coming as family units, and fitting into some kind of mold perpetuated by Hollywood romance AND Hollywood jobs (having to fit into a certain archetype to play a role, etc). The other thing I know is that LA’s history of sex is primarily one of swingers. Which came first is kind of the chicken or the egg scenario. Either way, they feed each other in a totally incestuous kind of way.


“The Lifestyle”, as it’s referred to in LA, is short for The Swinger Lifestyle, which differs from “The Scene” in NYC which is comprised of mostly polyamorous/nonmonogamous, kink informed/practicing, queer folx. There’s a new wave of people who are coming in with a more polyamorous POV in LA but it is still overwhelmingly comprised of heterosexual white couples who switch with other heterosexual white couples to have intercourse.

I did some research trying to find the history of swingers in LA and came up pretty short, although I got to read some old articles from the 70s about conventions and such. It seems it’s much more underground than I thought and I need to get to talking to people who are lifestyle vets if I really want to get to the bottom of it (more on the history when I find this out).

I've ended up at parties that were marketed as sex parties but were actually just a bunch of couples having sex in public with their partner / date which had the potential for swinging to occur but it's not really my thing - I’m not so much into swapping. As I’ve heard from couples who do this kind of thing, there’s a sense of “taking one for the team” when one of the people in the couple desires a hook up but the other doesn't - instead of making it a threesome scenario, the other person of the couple has to “take one for the team” so that it’s an even swap and no one feels "left out". Uhm, no thank you.

From what I’ve heard, the lifestyle still navigates from a lot of old paradigms (if that wasn't indicative coming from a couples first POV). One of the things that set me off right away was seeing that parties still have Man, Woman and Couple tiered pricing. Major red flag. Here are some other things that I've witnessed:

1. Consent culture is absent. I believe because this is a very old scene, people who get indoctrinated aren’t taught newer/proper forum. There seems to be a huge difference, almost dislike, between people in the kink scene who are boundary centered and negotiation focused and people in the lifestyle who use presence as an admission of consent. As far as I’m aware, I have not heard a single story about a swingers party that had a consent voucher, conversation or workshop at the start of any party. Overall, I feel like the culture of LA could benefit from many places picking up a consent forward way of being. Even bars could have consent culture and consent talks before going in. Nightclubs, etc. I've seen this work absolute wonders other places for providing safety and fostering community.


2. Anything and anyone goes. It seems to be the way of swinger culture that anything and anyone can show up. If you can get the invite, they might check your appearance but as long as you can pay the entry fee, they don’t care who you are or what you believe in. That goes against everything I have ever known about any other sex community elsewhere. And a core tenet of the parties that I used to throw. The first article I found about the swing culture in NYC, referred to it as a sex club (first notable difference) and started with all the qualifications needed to be accepted to the party. Sex clubs and sex parties in my history have always had a really stringent application to ensure things like safety and community cohesion. The interesting part is that a lot of LA operates like this with social clubs a plenty. But in this case, we aren't looking for status or who you know, we are looking for values that align with respect and care.


3. [Hetero] Male initiated and focused. This is perhaps my biggest red flag. Most stories I have heard about the lifestyle have come from women whose husband, partner, etc invited them into the lifestyle in a way where lying and lack of boundaries were rampant. I recently met a woman who shared with me some of her experience with an ex where he lied frequently in the context of swinger parties. There were a lot of sex scenarios crafted to fuel male egos and satisfy the male gaze. As one woman told me, it felt like college make outs between girlfriends to get the guys to pay for drinks. Yuck. I am ALL here for sexual liberation, but only in a way that equally centers femme sexuality, desires and needs. And ONLY in a way that is consensually moved about with openness and ownership. I heard from another couple that they engage with something called “reclamation sex” in which the couple engages in sex after one or both of them have sex with other people to reclaim each other. I don’t know who would willingly sign up for an idea that says that I am to be claimed by another person but it sure as hell ain’t me.

It's a shame to hear some of the ways people are practicing nonmonogamy because people are introduced in a way that is hurtful, and although they want to be down with the premise - they think it's about lying and cheating and doing things behind each others backs and it ruins the experience for them. 

When I see these things I can't help but think I know a better way. It's not comparison, it's solving. 

There are so many values from the scene in NYC that would be helpful here, and also from the kink scene that already exists in LA that would be helpful in the swinger scene. And while we’re at it, in tantra spaces. Tantra spaces are a whole other thing that I will get myself started on and perhaps finish… next week =]

I had an awesome conversation with someone who said, “You could do that here! We need it!” And I thought to myself, maybe I will.

But there is one thing I know for sure… that for fluidity, sex clubs, etc to work, WE NEED BI/FLUID/PAN/CURIOUS MEN! WHERE ARE THEY!? COME TO MEEE!!!!!!

xx
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